Follow Your Head, Your Heart Will Follow

I finally have a decent break. A whopping whole hour. I've had two tests and I've had to sing today for Master Class. But I still have one more test to go. Also, I almost had a breakdown in Master Class today. Thank God my friend made me laugh before I began to cry. That would have been even more embarrassing.

So I avoided my boyfriend for lunch. Even though I told him I wasn't mad at him, I'm still very hurt. I really just want to figure out on his own why I'm so upset. Why am I so upset? Maybe because he'd rather stick up for his mother than his girlfriend. Maybe because his mom is treating me like my opinions don't matter. I hate when people try to tell me who I am, what I like and what I'm going to do. Fuck you. I'm not your toy. I have a mind.

Against my heart's judgement, I'm not talking to my boyfriend until he confronts me. The sad thing is, I don't know if I can do that. He's the only person I have here at school to bitch to... even if I'm bitching about him. But, I need to stand strong on this for him to understand me. You'd think after almost 5 months of dating he'd have me figured out by now.

Yet I Can't Be Mad

Am I weak willed because I gave in and apologized to my boyfriend? Am I considerate? He had a final scene for acting tomorrow and I would have felt awful if he was so distracted his grade went down because of our fight. I guess its more selfish then.

I feel that day by day I grow more cynical. 

What's wrong with being me?

I don't understand what's wrong with me being myself? The first thing you're taught in school is be yourself; be yourself and you'll make friends. Oh yeah? Ever since I came to college it's literally one asshole after another. I've had three teachers already peg me as a bad student for literally no reason. And I can't even begin to talk about the students I've met.

I know I sound like a prissy little bitch. I know there are nice kids everywhere you go. There's a lot of kind hearted people here but the problem is my roommates. I can barely spend time with my boyfriend because I feel so obligated to stay at the dorm so they don't get pissy with me.

I got into a small fight with my boyfriend. We've been 4 1/2 months strong and this is basically our first fight. I know the fights my fault and I'm being stubborn. But I don't really care. I've been super stressed and he knows it. I don't think he totally knows who I am. And the problem is I know myself too well. The problem is my depression. The problem is how I'm very introverted. The problem is I get hurt too easily.

And I know I'm extremely vague about everything. But I'm just so sick of retelling my story of how much college life sucks right now. I cannot wait to transfer next semester. Is it so wrong to just want a place to call home?